he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
