i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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