Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
