Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You were trust falling into bushes
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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