you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
