I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
