your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
