Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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