sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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