If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
