you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
