Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
