I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
