i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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