I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
