I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
