Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
