You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
