I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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