get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
