I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
