If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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