I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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