I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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