everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
