Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
