Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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