Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
