My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
