matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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