I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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