Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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