I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
