I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
