Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
