Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
