i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
