Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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