i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
