it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
