Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
