Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
