Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
do herpes really smell.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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