Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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