There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
