So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
