toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
