I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
