Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
