also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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